It's Not Okay (But At Least I'll Go First)
by DracoWinchester7237
Summary: Everything Murphys ever done has been in the name of survival. Every stupid betrayal. Every nightmare he's lived. Every bitter regret. It was all worth it as long as he was alive. But now suddenly that shifted.


Everything Murphys ever done has been in the name of survival. Every stupid betrayal. Every nightmare he's lived. Every bitter regret. It was all worth it as long as he was alive. But now suddenly that shifted.

The earth shook beneath him shifting his balance and pitching him forward. He didn't understand what had happened. Everything was fine and then it wasn't. And Murphy hadn't even had the blessing of losing consciousness when the building came down on him and-

"Murphy?" _Bellamy_. "Murphy, can you get out?" Murphy groaned and tried to look around. He could see space enough he could crawl through and what looked like light streaming in from somewhere so surely he could. But Bellamy was in the opposite direction. Murphy pushed himself up. As far up as he could in the limited space. His leg was bleeding bad but he could move it and that was good enough for him.

"Bellamy where are you?" he asked the broken slabs of concrete. It was hard to see. There was light but it came in filtered through cracks and raining ash that stung his eyes.

"Over here," Bellamy said and Murphy could hear rubble shifting he slipped his way through the unstable structure. "Over here," Bellamy repeated softer and Murphy could see him leaning against what was probably a wall at some point.

"Bellamy, I think I could see a way out. Maybe. Can you move?" Bellamy's head lolled to the side and the sight chilled murphy to his core.

"Hey. bellamy?" he grabbed Bellamy's head in his hands and held it up. "Bellamy, you've gotta open your eyes okay?" Bellamy did but only barely. "Come on Bellamy please."

"Murphy go," Bellamy said eyes snapping open and looking at him. Perhaps at one point, Murphy would have actually listened. Perhaps, but not now. Maybe not even then. Honestly, he didn't know anymore. Something above them shifted and murphy lurched forward covering Bellamy as bits of broken stone rained down on them some pieces were big enough they knocked the wind out of him but he stayed over Bellamy until it stopped. So much for self-preservation, he thought dully. Murphy sat back on his heels, despite his leg screaming at him, to get a better look at Bellamy.

"Bellamy where are you hurt?" he asked gently squinting in the lack of light.

"My leg." Bellamy breathed and Murphy turned his attention to where Bellamy had his hands pressed into his thigh. Murphy dropped his hand to where Bellamy's were and they came away wet and dark with what could only be blood. Murphy looked around or something he could use to stop the bleeding and when he couldn't find anything he peeled his jacket off balling it up and pressing it into Bellamy's leg.

"Hold this," he instructed physically moving Bellamy's hands to press the material into the wound. Murphy wasn't a doctor. But he'd watched Clarke enough to know he needed to cut off the circulation. Something he could tie around his leg tight enough to at least slow the blood flow until someone could find them. _If there was anyone else alive_ murphy shook his head violently to get rid of the thought and focused instead on finding something he could use. Before he even knew what he was doing he had removed his belt and slid it under Bellamy's leg causing him to groan in pain. But that was good. The pain was good. It meant he was still alive. Murphy pulled on the belt as tight as he could. He'd barely gotten the knot tied when the rocks above them shifted again.

"Murphy you need to get out of here while you still can," Bellamy said and Murphy could tell he was trying to throw as much authority as he could behind the words. But they were still weak.

"I can't very well show up without the rebel king now can I?" he said because that was the kind of thing Murphy would say but it fell flat without his usual venom.

"Murphy please." Bellamy's voice broke and what else was Murphy supposed to do? He sighed and leaned against the same used-to-be-wall that Bellamy was leaning on. He hadn't stopped to check his own injuries. He didn't really want to check now. He knew it would be bad. He knew he was operating purely on adrenalin and grit teeth. Granted that's how Murphys lived through most of his life.

"It's okay." Bellamy whimpered beside him and Murphy scooted closer biting back a whimper of his own. "It's okay Murphy." Murphy wrapped his arm around Bellamy and pulled him until he was lying against Murphy with his head on Murphy's chest. "Please leave me," Bellamy said into what was left of Murphy's shirt.

"We both know I can't do that bell," Murphy said wrapping his other arm around Bellamy and holding him there. Something shifted again. Everything shifted and Murphy couldn't move to cover Bellamy fast enough. A pillar collapsed and fell over both of their laps, pinning them to that spot for well, the rest of their lives. Murphy tried not to scream when he felt the bone in his leg break. In the end, he couldn't help it.

The dust settled and Murphy wondered if this was how it was going to be. Stuff raining down on them until they were buried alive. What could Murphy expect really? His life had been painful whatever made him think his death would be?

"Murphy? I have to tell you something," Bellamy's voice was shaky and Murphy didn't like where this was going.

"Yeah? You can tell me when we get out," he said even though he knew the likelihood of that happening were zero to one.

"No, I have to. I have to tell you." Murphy closed his eyes against it because why did it have to be this way? Why now? "I'm sorry I tried to-"

"No, I know bell. I know. Don't even think about that right now." Murphy said dropping his head to press a light kiss into Bellamy's hair because well nothing was stopping him now.

"But I hurt you."

"Bellamy. I forgive you okay? I forgave you a long time ago." _I forgave you the moment it happened_ he almost said but didn't. His head was spinning and his breath was harder to come. Briefly, Murphy wondered if he'd go before Bellamy. That would be lucky.

"How? How could you?" Bellamy sounded like he was trying not to cry.

"Because I love you Bell." _Because I've always loved you. Because even when you kicked the crate i loved you. Because even when you banished me and left me to die in the woods I loved you because even when the grounders tortured me and you didn't save me I loved you. Because even now I love you._ Murphy thought he heard voices above them but his eyes drifted closed.

"Murph i-"

"I know bell." _this can't be it_ something inside him practically screamed. _this isn't how it was supposed to happen_ "I know"

"Murph-" Bellamy's breath hitched. "Murphy I can't feel my legs."

"It's okay bell." and if Murphy was crying what did it matter? "It's almost over. I got you" Murphy tried to move his arms, to hold Bellamy closer. In the end, he wasn't sure if he managed it.

"I love you," he said again leaning his head against Bellamy.

"John? John Murphy? Can you hear me?" he wanted to tell whoever was talking that of course, he could hear them they were practically yelling at him and to please shut the fuck up cause he was trying to sleep here. But then memories of blood-soaked pants and stone dust came back to him. He sat straight up gasping for air and trying to throw the hands off of him. Everything hurt. His head, his back, his leg. But he didn't care. He grabbed for Abby Griffin.

"Bellamy. Help Bellamy," he said trying to suck in air and get her to understand. It didn't matter what happened to him. She had to help Bellamy. Bellamy was hurt. Bellamy was dying. Something sharp stuck on his neck and in the pain faded and his eyelids grew heavy. "Bellamy." he breathed falling backward. His head fell to the side and right before his eyes fell closed he could see Bellamy laying beside him. The world blurred around Bellamy and Murphy fought to keep his eyes open long enough to make sure he was still alive but the drug won, turning everything black.

The next time Murphy woke up he really wished he hadn't. His chest was heavy and it hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It was reminiscent of how he felt when the grounders were done with him.

"He should be waking up soon." a voice said somewhere around him. He didn't know or care. "When he does send someone for me but keep him here." if he could of Murphy probably would have laughed. There were always people trying to _keep_ him somewhere. There was something gnawing at him. Something huge he couldn't remember. Someone he needed to find. _Bellamy,_ he needed to find _Bellamy,_ needed to know if, well if he was alive.

Murphy opened his eyes but otherwise didn't move. He could see Jackson with his back to him. Jackson who had orders to _keep_ him here. To _not_ let him go. Murphy looked without moving to the other side of him and saw a gun laying on the side table. That was dumb of them he thought and grabbed it silently and slid out of the bed. Jackson was flipping through some file of some kind and wasn't paying any attention. Another mistake. Murphy brought the handle of the gun down effectively knocking him out. Murphy tucked the gun into his waistline and limped out of the room. It wasn't until he'd gotten all the way down the hall and turned a corner that the pain started to get to him, buckling his knees. Murphy had to hold onto the wall for support.

"Murphy." He groaned "what are you doing I told Jackson not to let you out you're not fully healed yet." now murphy really understood where Clarke got it.

"I have to find Bellamy," he said gritting his teeth and pushing off the wall to keep walking.

"Well, you're not going to find him like this." Murph stopped and looked her over for a second.

"Where is he?" he asked cautiously. Not ready to trust her.

"I'll let you see him if you come back with me to med bay." he could tell she wasn't going to relent and he was worried he wouldn't be able to stand much longer.

"Fine." he agreed following her back. No surprise Jackson was still passed out. She rushed over to check on him then looked at him. Murphy shrugged. If she was angry she didn't show it. Instead, she pointed to the bed and Murphy say down.

"You saved his life," she said while examining his leg. "The belt around his leg, he would have died if you hadn't done that." Murphy didn't realize how terrified he was that Bellamy might not have made it until she confirmed he was alive. Murphy let you a shaky breath but didn't say anything because if he has said something he would have started crying and Murphy didn't cry. Especially not in front of Clarke's mother. She left them moments later and murphy's hands shook. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. If there was one thing Murphy did not do well it was waiting.

"Murphy?" Murphy almost jumped off the bed when he heard Bellamy behind him. Murphy didn't turn around. He tried to calm his breathing. He turned his hands to fists to stop the shaking and he wondered how much Bellamy remembered.

"So you're still alive," he said keeping his voice void of emotion.

"Yeah, thanks to you," Bellamy said and they fell into silence fueling Murphy's anxiety. He didn't hear when Bellamy started walking towards him. He jumped again when Bellamy appeared in front of him. "Murphy," Bellamy said his name but he didn't look up. Not until Bellamy laid his hands over Murphys. "Thank you." Murphy swallowed

"Bellamy," he said shakily searching his eyes.

"I know," Bellamy whispered and that was enough. Murphy closed the distance between them pressing his lips against Bellamy's. The kiss was hungry and it burned Murphy's lip where it must have been split but he didn't care. Bellamy's arms circled him and held him there like nothing in the world would make him let go like Bellamy knew that was exactly what Murphy needed.

Bellamy broke the kiss first burying his head in Murphy's shoulder instead.

"And I love you too" Murphy could feel the words in Bellamy's breath against his neck.

Everything Murphys ever done had been in the name of survival. Every stupid betrayal. Every nightmare he's lived. Every bitter regret. It was all worth it as long as he was alive. But now suddenly that shifted. Now it wasn't _just_ his survival he cared about. Now he had something worth surviving for.


End file.
